In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the
organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
 The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
the city (preferably from the Toxteth area), wearing the traditional
balaclava.  The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the
roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local Liverpool athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences
walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw , sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as
possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. the first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will
aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicorstyle wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea
when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an
expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering , flashing, joy riding and
arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with
sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round thecourse.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the Runcorn bridge. The first three survivors
back, will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Evertonian Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock
throwing and music by the Birkenhead Community Choir. The Olympic flame will
be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the
top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be
then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the
copper piping and the central heating boiler.