room of football's big gay fellowship house party, but ffs, Sven really doesn't seem
to want him involved.  He's what, seventh in the pecking order?  Behind such
consistent top-level goalscorers as Michael Owen,  Emile Heskey,  Darius Vassell,
Alan Smith,  Andy Cole,  Wayne Rooney and Charlton's Jamal Campbell-Ryce.  As far as
I'm concerned, there's something else to this, and I intend to get to the bottom of
it.  With this in mind, I've had Sven's phone tapped since last Friday, and I thought
you might be interested in the following conversations I've picked up.  The first is
between Sven and Tord, and took place at the weekend.

==
S: "So, who is left?  I wanted Michael and Emile upfront, maybe two reserve, you say
that is Michael Owen injured, no?"
T: "Yes, I think maybe Beattie instead of Owen.  What do you reckon?"
S: "No, I don't like that.  I'm going to just have three striker if Owen cannot play,
possibly Heskey, Rooney and that one from Villa who I can never remember his name"
T: "Angel?"
S: "Yes, him.  He's good.  He can be on the bench"
T: "He's not English, though"
S: "Oh.  Do they have any English striker?"
T: "Couple, actually.  There's one called Darius Vassell, you played him before,
remember?  He's not bad, he scored for us I think".
S: "Ah yes, he'll do.  We'll have Heskey, Vassell and Rooney"
T: "Do you really not think we could try Beattie this time?  You know, he has more
goals than all the other three put together this season, and it's a friendly, maybe
it's a good time to try him out."
S: "No, I don't think that."
T: "Why not, though?"
S: "Because for sure it is NOT good idea for the England team he is playing".
T: "Yeah, you keep saying that.  Why not, though?"
S: "Look, I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
T: "Why not, though?"

*dead line*

T: "Sven?  Hello?  Oh, ffs."
==

Interesting, no?  I told you there was more to it than simply footballing matters.
It gets better, though.  This is another call I picked up a bit earlier this week.
Again, same two people.

==
S: "Hello?"
T: "Hi, Sven.  It's Tord.  Look, you hear about Vassell?"
S: "No?  What happen?"
T: "Injured.  He was playing in Dubai and he hurt his knee.  He might not be able to
play for England this weekend"
S: "Okay, we just have two striker then.  Let's have another midfielder instead.  Is
Dyer available?"
T: "No, and anyway, I really think we have enough midfielders.  We should have four
strikers for a friendly, really, or at least three.  Two is just getting stupid"
S: "Are you calling me stupid?"
T: "No, no, that's not what I meant.  I just think, what with Owen and Vassell
injured, we should give James Beattie a chance.  Maybe on the bench, with Heskey and
Rooney starting, and if it's not going well give Beattie a run-out in the second
half.  He's scoring a lot of goals this season, you know.  How about it?"
S: "How about Alan Smith?"
T: "What?"
S: "Alan Smith.  Leeds player.  Very good, I like him."
T: "You said he was a hooligan!"
S: "No, I said he was _cool_  again.  He is good player again these days, that's what
I meant"
T: "Hmmmm.  I think you're changing the subject"
S: "So you agree, that's good.  You give Alan Smith a ring, and tell him to come now
okay? Talk to you later."
T: "No, Sven, there's a bit more to it than that.  Smith is wanted by the police for
throwing a bottle or something, he might not be available either."
S: "What, he threw a bottle at a player?"
T: "No, at some fans who were taunting him."
S: "A glass bottle?"
T: "No, a plastic one. You know, one of those little water bottles, Evian or
something"
S: "Has he been arrested?"
T: "No, not yet."
S: "He plays then.  He was probably just recycling, we do this all the time in
Sweden".
T: "What about Beattie?  He's not wanted by the police, and he's definitely not
injured, and he has scored goals this season.  Worth a chance?"
S: "I like Alan Smith to play.  They can arrest him after the match if they want"
T: "What about Beattie?"
S: "Alan Smith"
T: "What about Beattie?"
S: "Alan Smith"
T: "What about Be......jesus, this is getting us nowhere.  You're being unreasonable,
Sven. Can you not just forgive and forget?  I'm know Beattie's really sorry about
what hap..."
S: "NO!!!11111  NO FORGIVE!!!!!!!111 NO FORGET!!!!!111111"

*dead line*

T: "Idiot."

==

Curioser and curioser.  This one is from late last night, though, and I think you
could say it's the missing piece in the puzzle.

==
S: "Hello?"
T: "Tord again, Sven.  How are you?"
S: "Okay, not bad.  I wish we didn't have this game, though, it's all too much stress
for a friendly.  I want to see my Yahoo team play, you know, I have Van Nistlerooy
this week for 14 million, I think for sure he will score against Blackburn but I have
to wait, and I don't like that."
T: "Er...okay, whatever.  Anyway, you hear about Alan Smith?"
S: "Injured?"
T: "Arrested.  I did warn you"
S: "Can we call off the match and just have the Premiership games back instead?"
T: "Um....no.  I think you know that really"
S: "Who can we call then?"
T: "James Beattie"
S: "Apart from him?"
T: "James Beattie"
S: "And if I don't like that idea?"
T: "James Beattie.  Ffs, Sven, this is ridiculous.  As your friend and colleague, I
implore you to put the past behind you and make a fresh start.  He's sorry, I know he
is, and he could do a good job for England.  I'll coach him if you like, you won't
have to talk to him or anything.  If you don't pick him now, people will get
suspicious"
S: "Okay, but he must ring me.  I don't ring him.  If he want to play, he has to make
the first move"
T: "I don't think that's how it works, Sven.  When you're a player, you're supposed
to get the "call up" from your national team coach.  You don't call him and ask to
play, it's just not professional"
S: "Okay, you ring him then.  I don't want to talk to him"
T: "This is supposed to be my night off, Sven.  Can you really not just do this one
thing for yourself?"
S: "No, no, I don't think I can do that.  He really hurt me, you know?  I should know
not to get involved with footballers, but he seemed like he was different to the
rest.  Turns out he was just the same.  Now I'm just another notch on his bedpost,
and that makes me feel cheap and nasty"
T: "Maybe he wanted to call you, but didn't have any credit on his mobile?"
S: "What, he gets ninety grand a week playing for Chelsea, and he doesn't have any
credit on his mobile?"
T: "Heh, it's Southampton, Sven, and it's probably more like 30 grand, but I do see
your point.  Tell you what, I'll ring him for you, but you must promise me you will
be professional about this.  If he comes to train with us, you must act like nothing
has happened"
S: "Yes, well, I think this is how he acts anyway, despite his promises.  I can do
this game too with him, see if he like the taste of my cold shoulder.  Anyway, he
told me he play for Chelsea.  More lies, you see?"
T: "Yeah,....er... okay Sven, whatever.  I'll ring him now.  Oh, and Sven?"
S: "Yes?"
T: "Try to get some sleep, okay?"
S: "I try."
T: "Bye then."
S: "Bye bye."

==

So there you have it.  It'll be interesting to see the chemistry between these two on
Saturday, for instance, how will Sven react if Beattie scores?  Will there be eye
contact if Sven has to bring him off?  History says there won't, but then I think
history might be confusing football matters with those of the glans.  Whatever, at
least we know the full story now, and let's just hope they can put things behind them
and work together for the greater good of England.  Or have a big funny public
bust-up or something.  Either or.

Joe
--
Huzzling fuzzling you, is the nature of my game.