"shirley.hooker" <shirley.hooker@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:gjJhc.4$WK1.0@newsfe3-win.server.ntli.net...
> There's an idea.. Everyone describe their 'fantasy Bond movie... Who plays
> Bond, the bad guy, the girls.. the theme.. .etc..?
>
> You're allowed to pick people from any time period..

Okay, here goes.

==
"Goldarses" (PG)

Bond, played of course by Robert Poleson, is on honeymoon with his lovely new 
wife, Veronica Bilespit (Conlan), when Mexican bandits played by Moog, Kullrad 
and TonyMac, going under the name "el Toffees" shoot her dead from a passing 
helicopter.  Turns out they are working for the notorious Goldarses (Nunn), who 
is planning to hold the world to miserable ransom with his deadly Cuntspiracy 
Ray.

Back at HQ, Bond is briefed on his mission by Q, played by Paul Crankshaw, and 
makes time to flirt with the lovely Miss Moneypenny (Gary Brew) as usual.  His 
gadgets for this mission include:

A whisky bottle disguised as a bottle of lemonade.
A pen which fires 50ml rounds of whisky.
Some whisky.
Some more whisky, disguised as a laptop computer.
A car made of whisky.
A whisky bomb, cunningly fashioned from many small bottles of whisky.

Let it never be said that Q sends Bond out unprepared.

Following a tenuous lead, Bond finds himself in a Florida casino where he is 
seduced by the delectable Suxfor Qualifications (Barrett), who tries to kill 
him with Soviet Fags.  He foils her plan, of course, shags her senseless and 
catches the next plane back to Hednesford where he meets up with Number 2 (ST).
A dangerous game of Russian Roulette leads to both parties firing several dozen
rounds of Scotch into their own mouths from the end of a pen, falling around 
laughing a lot and calling each other "cuntsh".  Unwittingly, though, Number 
2 falls right into Bond's trap and it isn't long before he's divulging such 
secrets as where Goldarses is housing his Cuntspiracy Ray, when he plans to set 
it off if the World doesn't meet his demands, and what's the best time to catch 
Mrs Number 2 at home alone.

A routine door-fit later, and Bond is back on a plane, this time to a land down-
under where he is lavished with perky young Auskiwi wenches (Demosthenes, Dat, 
Ruddock) in a disconcertingly generous display of hospitality by the mysterious 
Manpimp (Cypher).  Turns out Manpimp is also working for Goldarses, although 
Bond himself had worked this out by now anyway, on account of the wenches trying
to kill him with bullets fired from their pissflaps.  They're no match for his 
overwhelming laziness, though, and he quickly has all three trapped under the 
weight of his righteous cunty.

Next stop, Isle of Mull.  Rumour has it that Goldarses' underground lair is 
contained within the rocky climbs of Ben Tallaidh, Mull's third-highest hill.  
There, in a Tobermory pub, he makes an unlikely ally in the shape of a local 
street-urchin named "Shortcunt" (Horowitz).  Shorty shows him where the best 
mushrooms grow, and the whole mission takes on a new, more profound meaning 
from there on.  Within the space of a few hours, Bond goes from "suave and 
debonair" to "man who has lost track of his molecules".

Bond now finds himself in a plush hotel bar on the planet Merkin.  He is 
surrounded by strange and wonderful creatures (played by Parkes, Cunningham and 
Chopsy) and a sign reads "beautiful man enclosure".  The floor and the walls 
are spiralling uncontrollably, and the air is a teeming mass of invisible jelly 
jewellery.  Colours make noises, and noises have shapes.  No-one seems to mind 
him being there, it is a nice place.  He feels safe, warm, loved.  The barman 
has a head made from cactus patterns, and is only too happy to keep filling his 
bucket with warm liquid goo.

It is several days before Bond recovers his composure to any meaningful extent, 
and is more than a little confused as to why he should be waking up naked, 
freezing cold by the side of a lake, surrounded by sleeping otters.  Still, they
all look happy enough, although the vast amounts of jizz everywhere suggest the
work of Goldarses.  He looks up towards the summit of Ben Tallaidh, and knows it
is time to press on.

Unbeknownst to Bond, Goldarses has already initiated the Cuntspiracy sequence.  
While Bond was staggering around in a Scottish bog, fucked out of his box on 
magic mushrooms and fellating otters by the dozen, Goldarses was holding the 
world to ransom.  He had threatened to unleash his cuntspiracy ray unless just 
one woman, any woman at all, had agreed to be his girlfriend.  The World had 
told him in no uncertain terms that they don't strike bargains with terrorists, 
and Goldarses was left with no other option than to make everyone pay for his 
suffering.  Would Bond get there in time?  Would he fuck, the lazy cunt.  Turns 
out there are more otters at the foot of Ben Tallaidh, and once again the 
mission was stalled.

Of course, Goldarses himself escapes in a giant rocket-powered Glans, and 
returns six years later to battle Bond again in "The Spy Who Fisted Me".

==

Theme tune:  "Goldarses", sung by Shirley Bassey

"Goldarses,
He's the man,
The man with the arses of gold!
His knob-end's cold!!!111!!

Goldarses,
You want to touch,
But you must not touch,
Unless you want it!!!11lol!!1

He'll invite you around to his place,
He'll fist you and come on your face,
He's going to go, where no man's gone before!!!!one!!111
In through your back door!!!!111lol!1111!hornsection!!11

Goldarses,
Goldarses,
Goldarses.

==

I expect some film company or other to be in touch shortly.

Joe
--
"WHAT A SHIT WEBSITE! ITS NOT WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN SHIT!"