Fulham Football Club have tonight been told to leave their FA Cup 4th Round
champagne on ice in the wake of a vigorous appeal from Everton's saucer-eyed
manager, David Moyes.

Moyes is still furious that Fulham were allowed to get away with quite
literally blue murder by fielding a team of players who had names which
Moyes described as being "blatant homosexual innuendo, designed to phase my
team and plunge the good name of the FA Cup into disrepute."

Moyes was incandescent with rage last night as he explained his gripes ; "We
were playing a difficult cup replay away from home only to be constantly
bombarded with cockney rhyming slang innuendo from players with names such
as Luis Boa Morte [fellatio is my fort? Zat Knight [stab my shite],
Junichi Inamoto [stick your cock down my throat-o] and Bobby Petta [stinky
penis feta].

Life long Everton supporter Barry Summers was equally upset with the
treatment meted out to the toffee meisters in what he described as a
"Cauldron of Camp". He told a reporter "I was sitting there enjoying the
game with my 10 year old son. It was his first Everton game. He turned to me
with tears in his eyes and said 'Daddy, that player called Steed
Malbranque - it really means give us a wank, doesn't it'. I just broke down
and wept that my 10 year old had been subjected to this type of disgraceful
language, and we stormed out in disgust after only 102 minutes of the match.
Needless to say we won't be going back there again."

Meanwhile at White Heart Lane, Spurs manager David Pleat was in far more
philosophical mood about the antics of Manchester City, who fielded such gay
monikered piss takes as Richard Dunne [bumming is fun], Trevor Sinclair
[spunk in my hair], and Jonathan Macken [give my arse a smackin'].

Pleat explained "It's a mans' sport and you often get this kind of thing
going on in the game. Kevin Keegan didn't object to me playing Ledley King
[take it up the ring] so I saw no need to take exception to his players'
names. Mind you if he'd have put on Stephen Jordan [my bum chum's called
Gordon] things might have been different, but Kevin assured me he would only
play Jordan if he got bored with the other names in the team and needed a
good laugh."

Back at Lancaster Gate the FA are said to be waiting to see what turns up in
the referees' reports for the two games, but as Moyes put it "I can hardly
see Paul Durkin [soapy buttock jerking] or Rob Styles [spermy piles] being
quick to bring this to the FA's attention, and I'm certainly not expecting
any sort of help from Fifa President Sepp Blatter [gooey man batter], who
also seems to think this sort of outrage is funny."

An insider confided that the underlying feeling within the FA is that Moyes
still has a chip on his shoulder from his playing days at Celtic when the
opposing fans used to barrack him with "David Moyes - shags young boys", an
accusation which Moyes was last night quick to ignore before promptly
changing the subject.