"Tommo ?" <tommocubed@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1108548293.828703.301970@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com...
> Tony McChrystal wrote:
> > Christ on a trike, you know it's a slow news day when the news
> > mentions that Kimi Raikonnen suffered a 'badly bruised thumb' in
> > a test run for McLaren.
>
> Whoah, a bruised thumb huh? Today will be a very good day to
> bury bad news.

Heh.  In the shower this morning, I heard the following on the Radio1 news
bulletin... no shit...

"Michael Jackson was taken ill today.  Doctors say he's going to be fine".

Some cunt gets the snivels and that's news?  This really is a slow news
week.

If things carry on this way, I can imagine one very big news story
dominating the media by the end of the month:

======

"News Drought Cripples Media - Crisis Deepens"

As the news drought enters it's third week, many of the major broadcasters
including the BBC, CNN and Sky are reported to be at breaking point.  "We
haven't had any major news for nearly a month now", claims SkyNews
spokescunt Gordon Flabbergast.  "Of course, aid agencies are doing what they
can, with minor news stories being drafted in from other countries via the
support networks, but it's just not getting through quick enough and many of
the stories are crap anyway.  I mean, Formula One drivers?  Poorly
pop-singers?  Do me a favour, who the fuck wants to know about that.  If
things don't improve soon, many thousands of people will die from
redundancy."

It's not just the television companies who are suffering, though.  Ranjit
Panjit, a newsagent from Bradford, tells an all-too-common story.  "Where is
the news?", he asks, gesticulating frantically at piles of empty unsold
broadsheets.  "It all dried up, like my wife.  I haven't sold newspaper in
six day, sure I get the money back on the returns but if people don't come
here buy paper, no-one browse and pick up impulse item like Jammy Dodger,
this how I make my livings.  I have nine children to feed.  Who are going to
marry my daughter, Sinitta, if I have no monies for wedding?  Some
homeless?"

BBC News24 Programme Director, SteveMcCunty, paints a similarly bleak
picture:
"We're at our wits end here, seriously.  What are we supposed to be telling
people for 24 bloody hours a day?  Last night, we kept Peter Gibbs going for
three whole hours on the weather, but there's only so much one man can find
to say about a coldish day with a slight chance of rain.  He was telling
jokes for the last twenty minutes, we knew he was struggling but we only had
the 'Swindon housewife gets novel published' story lined up to follow, and
we'd already covered that one for six hours just beforehand.  Strictly off
the record, of course, but between you and me we're praying for another
tsunami right now".

Ellen MacArthur is reported to be on stand-by.  "I'm cold, I'm hairy and I'm
lonely, and I'm ready to do my bit for the news".

==

"News The World" (Geldof / Ure)

Chris Martin:
It's a nearly Easter, there's no need to be alone
At nearly Easter, we let the media in our homes

Dido:
And in our world of stories, we can write the news ourselves,
So go out into the world, and make the news.

Robbie Williams:
But say a prayer, pray for the media
At nearly Easter it's hard, we all know they're seedy yeah,

Sugababes:
There's a world outside your window
Where there's nothing going wrong,

Slayer:
And the only headline growing

Slayer & Sugarbabes:
Is the fact we've done this song

Slayer & Nora Jones:
And the news stories they tell right now are barely even true,

Bono:
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

Bob Dylan & Jamelia:
And there won't be news on ITV this week my friends
The only stuff they've got this month is shite

Aphex Twin & Beverly Knight:
Where there's nothing to report,
Just the weather and some sport,

London Philharmonic and Joss Stone:
Is there any news this month at all?

Tony Blair (Oasis):
Here's to you

Justin Hawkins (Darkness):
How about a killing spree?

Dizzee Rascal:
Nothing to it, just grab a motherfucking gun,
Go out to a shopping mall, man, waste everyone,

Jimi Hendrix:
Here's to them

Justin Hawkins (Darkness):
Or another tsunami?

Dizzee Rascal:
No idea how we'd go about that,
Maybe some nuclear bomb under the sea or something,

Burl Ives & Justin Hawkins:
Is there any news this month at all?

Norm from 'Cheers':
News the world

Kate Adie and Ellen MacArthur:
News the world

Jose Mourinho & Slayer & Sugababes:
News the world

Rod, Jane & Freddie:
News the world

Tenor Fly (Freestylers):
Ribi dibi dibi dibi doo baa dey,
Yes yes yes my selecta!!!1!

Bob Geldof:
What the FUCK was that?!!?

Tenor Fly (Freestylers):
Err.. I think I might be in the wrong studio...

Bob Geldof:
Fucking right you are ya little cont, fuck off out of it!1!!

Everyone in full chorus line.
News the world
Do something completely mental

Group of ten:
News the world
Do something completely mental

Everyone in full chorus line.
News The world
Do something completely mental (repeat to fade)

Shawn Ryder:
Ad libs over outro.


Joe
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